Let’s Push the Worry Down

Mar 5, 2020

I have been here before and will be here again. Here is a mess of worry and sadness. I am watching a good friend die while watching his wife trying her best to find her way through the mess of it, the muddle of emotion, the weariness of wondering and wanting things to be different than what they appear to be. I randomly chose an entry to read this morning and stumbled on a 2017 one where I was lamenting my mother’s current condition. It took me back to the days of worry that accompanied that. This day last year my dad had another spell in Florida and my brother was making plans to go down and bring him home and Caleb took Disco to the vet.There have been no days, months or years that have not held their share of worry, concern and heartbreak. Walking the halls of the palliative care unit yesterday I was taken back to the October days when we sat in one of those rooms and waited for Dad’s last breath to come.This is the ‘been there done that’ aspect of life. I will run a bath in a few moments, I will wash eggs, make my bed, decide how to tackle this day; figure out what my priorities are. I will also count my blessings listing them beside my worries hoping to at least match the number if not overtake the worry with the gratitude.My mom is not here to council me, to comfort me, to tell me to just be my own sweet self as she always did. My dad will not offer words of wisdom and his quiet compassion but it still fills my heart and mind.Last spring brought days when Dad stayed with us and I treasure the memory of each of those precious days. It seems this exercise of finding the balance is ongoing and some days I am better at it than others.I know I have the tools and for that I am most thankful.So here goes!


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