I am not sure where this entry will go or who I’m writing it for. I guess I will just write it and find out. I have good days and bad days, good nights and bad nights and then I have excruciating nights. For the most part I have learned how to have good days. It is very seldom that I get a really bad day. I have learned what works for me even though to some it may seem on the obsessive, compulsive side. I need order. I need purpose. I need nature and time to be with myself. I need my work , my writing and my list making. Some of the other things like knitting dishcloths , playing card games , watching a bit of TV are fillers that round out my routine . I need laughter , a thank you now and again , hugs from my grandkids and a chat with a friend. I have learned how to have good days but I never take them for granted. I have had days when I couldn’t leave my bed. But thankfully not for a long long time. Days and the choices I make seem to be up to me somewhat. Nights are something else entirely. They sneak up on me. They hit me head on and with a vengeance. I sometimes know or have an inkling that I am due for one but I don’t really have any control over where my sleeping brain takes me. Experience teaches us so many things and getting through a bad night is something I know how to do but knowing how or knowing that I can survive one does not make it any easier. When the panic comes, when the wracking sobs return , when the dark night and deep pain comes I am not always sure I will survive it. I dig deep to find the confidence and assurance that I’m survived it before but the hard work to get to the other side is exhausting. So the next day I am kind to myself. I process and look at the dream squarely in the face. No-one needs or wants to walk through that dream with me. The people who love me have their own pain to carry and this is a solitary task that no one can take from me. In writing this I look for no pity , no pat on the back. I just give voice to the pain we all carry, the pain that ebbs and flows but never goes away. As long as we breathe and think our brain and our hearts will process and hold that pain. For the good days and nights I give thanks and for the sun that comes up on the day after a really bad night I give THANKS.I kept crying “Just take me home” in my dream last night and I know what home is and I am there this morning.